Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?

If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why don’t preachers praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In English why do people:
Recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
and a wise guy are opposites?

You really have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which:
Your house can burn up as it burns down.
You fill in a form by filling it out.
An alarm goes off by going on.

So to sum it up, English was invented by people, not computers, and
it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.

That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.

As I stated earlier, if you think these comments have been amusing or confusing to you, just think about how we may be perceived or understood/misunderstood at the negotiating table when English is the other party’s second or third language. So, choose your words carefully or you may find yourself inside looking out or would it be outside looking in?

This will be my last post until May. I need a break and I need some new material. Hope you will come back and see what’s new. Mark it on your calendar, ’cause I’ll be back.

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Let’s face it – English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins weren’t invented in England or French fries in France .

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that:
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t
groce and hammers don’t ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese; one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?

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Here are some additional confusing word usages in the English language.

A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row .

13) They were too close to the door to close it.

14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15) A seamstress and a sewer fell into the sewer line.

16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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It is no wonder that people have difficulty with the English language. Here’s a sample of what might contibute to some of the confusion. Let’s face it, it is not just about the meanings, it is also about pronunciation.

These examples are an indication that when it comes to the negotiations, and ultimately the contract language itself, you need to be specific and clear about what you really mean. You also need to be more sensitive to the nuances of the English language when dealing with other cultures.

I’ll be posting more examples over the next few weeks; if you have some, don’t hesitate to send them along.

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.

2) The farm was used to produce produce .

3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4) We must polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present .

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1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does “slow down” and “slow up” mean the same thing?

7. Why does “fat chance” and “slim chance” mean the same thing?

8. Why do “tug” boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game” when we are already there?

10. Why are they called ” stands” when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?

12.. Doesn’t “expecting the unexpected” make the unexpected expected?

13.. Why are a “wise man” and a “wise guy” opposites?

14. Why do “overlook” and “oversee” mean opposite things?

15. Why is “phonics” not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17.. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21.. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren’t we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas – What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Parkway – Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

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Engineers’ Conversion Table

1. Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope
4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond
5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = knotfurlong
7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
11. Shortest distance between two jokes = a straight line
12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone
14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle
16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds
17. 52 cards = 1 decacards
18. 1 kilogram of falling figs – 1 fig Newton
19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen
20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
22. 10 rations = 1 decaration
23. 100 rations – 1 C-ration
24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram
25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms
26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
27. 100 Senators = Knot 1 decision

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FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. DON’T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND DON’T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.

2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA, FLOOR.

3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, “WHERE’S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?” SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO “GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?”

12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

15. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION BATHROOMS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?

16. IF A TURTLE DOESN’T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON’T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?

24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD ‘LISP’ TO HAVE ‘S’ IN IT?

30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED “HEMORRHOIDS” INSTEAD OF “ASSTEROIDS”?

31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN’T SHOOT AT THEM?

32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?

34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD ?

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Another situation I found myself in many times resulted from my frequent trips to Japan during the 70′s and 80′s to negotiate a series of license agreements. To make it easier on me, the Japanese company often would greet me at the airport and deliver me to my hotel so that I could relax before dinner. During the two hour trip in from the airport, my host typically would offer to assist in reconfirming my return flight. During 70′s and 80′s, most overseas flights required reconfirmation by phone at least 48 hours prior to departure.

In preparation for the discussions, I would plan three or four days in Japan to allow for two or three long days at the negotiating table where a significant number of items could be resolved. Usually, I found myself meeting with the host company for the entire time, but what I did not recognize at first was that the real negotiations did not take place until the last meeting prior to my departure when only a few hours remained.

It was not until this situation occurred several times, that I finally figured out that “the clock” had become a major player at the negotiating table. Once the “light came on,” and I recognized the tactic, I always left my return ticket “open,” and so advised the host company as soon as I arrived. My new tactic was to remain in Japan “until the parties had reached a mutually satisfactory agreement.” Not surprisingly, by eliminating “the clock,” negotiations began after dinner the first evening and continued throughout each day until I departed.

Over time, I learned two key lessons; (1)do not let arbitrary deadlines affect your negotiations and (2) do not to let the fact that you are on the other party’s turf work against you.

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Just when you think you have a pretty good grasp of the negotiating process, along comes one more surprise gambit or tactic employed by the other party. Unless you recognize this one for what it is, it can cost you dearly. I fondly refer to this tactic as “the clock!”

One of the most memorable times this tactic was used against me, I had just arrived in Mexico with the top level management team of the company that I then represented. We had flown in to sign the agreements I had negotiated, and to attend a dinner party to celebrate a joint venture between two highly recognized companies — one from the US and one from Mexico. At that time, I was an employee of the US company and the most junior member of the management group on site to execute the agreements. This was the first time I had been given total responsibility to negotiate a  “deal,” and being at the lowest level of the team just added another element of pressure.

When we arrived, I was called aside by the VP of Finance of the Mexican company, and whisked away to a meeting to discuss “one minor issue” before proceeding to the dinner party to celebrate the successful “conclusion of the deal.” As it was then only about 4:00 pm, and the dinner party was scheduled to begin at 8:30 pm, I was not concerned about resolving “one minor issue.”  The “minor issue” resulted from a breakdown in communication relating to a financial schedule that was sent, but supposedly never received. It was not the schedule per se that was the real issue, but it was being used to open the door to renegotiate one aspect of the joint venture agreement.

As it turned out, the VP of Finance had never supported the joint venture and was looking for a way to gain more financial control over the venture. We ended up  negotiating until just after 4:00 am the next morning.  Later, I was told that the people from both companies ate a very quiet, tense dinner in an atmosphere of “gloom and doom.” As for all of the negotiators, we did not eat until the next morning when the revised contracts were delivered to the “celebratory” breakfast meeting about 10:00 am.

Needless to say, the VP of Finance of the Mexican company recognized that he had everyone in place on “his turf” with the expectation that the “deal” was done and  had the perfect setting to extract one more concession from the other party. As it turned out, the final concession never compromised the working relationship between the parties, but it was a painful lesson for me — the clock was “ticking”and I needed to get the “deal” done before we departed the next day.

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I once heard a story about a teenager that was stopped by the police for speeding. When the officer said “I’ve been waiting for you,” the youth quickly responded “Well, I got here as fast as I could!” Once the officer stopped laughing, the youth got off with a warning. So you see, in spite of the perils of their job, police still have a sense of humor.

These police comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country.

16. ‘You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through..’

15. ‘Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.’

14. ‘If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.’

13. ‘If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.’

12. ‘Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.’

11. ‘You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?’

10. ‘Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?’

9. ‘Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.’

8. ‘The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not… Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?’

7. ‘Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey s#&t.’

6. ‘Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.’

5. ‘In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.’

4. ‘How big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?’

3. ‘No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.’

2. ‘I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail..’

AND THE WINNER IS….

1.’You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t. Sign here.’

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